I went back and re-read my post from 1/11/11 and the feelings were just as raw today as they were ten years ago. What an absolutely scary feeling it is to be diagnosed with cancer. I remember the feeling of helplessness and anxiety, trying to wrap my head around dying and whether or not my children would even remember who I was. I was worried about the legacy I would leave behind. I was sad that there was nothing I did to cause it. Nothing I did to deserve it. And, nothing I could really do about it.
Letting go of things we can't control and focusing on the things we can is truly how we get our mental health in check. If we spend our lives worrying about the future, we forget to enjoy the present. All we are guaranteed is this moment. Ever since my cancer recovery began, I started traveling more, smiling more, and finding joy in the little things. I know that hair grows back, scars heal, and life goes on. I believe that if I'm fortunate enough to be among the survivors of this pandemic, it will be no different. It sucks to live through the experience, no doubt, but before we know it we will be looking back on this moment in time and hopefully reminiscing about extra valuable time spent with family, and not dwelling on time wasted or lost. There will be much to mourn, but it will become another scar on our backs as we travel through this life. I certainly mourn my life before cancer.
I miss the days when I had my breasts, I wasn't given pink ribbons as reminders of what I have endured, and cancer was just a scary word that didn't impact my life. I miss my days as an English teacher without the pressures that have come along as an ASB director. I miss the days before the Pandemic when I could give people a hug or walk past people without turning my face away out of fear for contracting Covid-19. I miss seeing students' faces when they learn something new; now I talk to black screens with no responses on Zoom. I miss my own kids loving school and
This too shall pass. We will not make it out unscathed, but we will make it.
In 2031, it will be my ten year anniversary of surviving the pandemic and the twenty year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. Speaking it into existence now. Believe.