Life... unexpected

Yesterday my dad and step mom drove me to the St. Joseph's for my surgery. We got there really early so there was a lot of sitting around and waiting going on. When I finally got called back, they sent me to the wrong place (recovery), then found me, and sent me to the right place (pre-op). Then the nurse gave me a thimble of water and a pill to take (pepcid, I think) and then told me to go pee in a cup. I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since midnight the night before but somehow I made it happen. I had to answer about 100 more questions, get my IV going, and then wait for the anesthesiologist and the doctor to come see me. The anesthesiologist was really nice, he said I seemed way too relaxed for someone that is about to have surgery so he wasn't going to give me any medications to relax like he usually has to. I told him I was really thirsty, and he turned my drip up to high. The nurse didn't like that, but I was happy. Dr. West finally came in (about 15 after 1) and did some markings on me. I told him to go as big as he could and he said he would decide what looks and fits best when he was in there. I was happy to hear he was going to lift the right breast (because remember, Bria knocked my expander down so I was lopsided for awhile). Then, he said "since your skin is so thin, I might need to pump some fat into it, and I'll get that from your belly." I made a joke about it like "yay, a tummy tuck and boob job all at once!" but then he made me sign another consent "just in case" and I started to get nervous. I really didn't want my recovery to be any worse than I originally anticipated. 

When I got rolled in there, they had the bed all warmed up and it was really comfortable. They were all just talking and having side conversations when all of a sudden I felt really sleepy. I said "hey, did you already start my anesthesia?" and the anesthesiologist just laughed and said "yes, nighty night!" That's the last thing I remember before waking up in recovery. All I wanted to do was sleep in there, but my dad kept making me eat ice chips.The first thing I did was check my belly for a band aid and there wasn't one (phew! no tummy tuck required). As I slowly woke up I said I needed to pee, and I managed to walk to the bathroom and take care of it all by myself. I instantly knew this was going to be way easier than last time I had surgery. First of all, the mastectomy took 6 hours, this surgery took all of about 2. I can totally lift my hands over my head, get in and out of bed by myself, etc. I threw up water during the ride home in my puke bag, but that always happens after anesthesia. The only pain I really have is in my chest (obviously) and I took one Percocet last night and it took care of it. It just feels like someone punched me in my chest. My throat is also really sore from the tube they shove down there, which makes it hard to swallow. I have drains in again, which are gross, but they are supposed to come out at my post-op appointment on Tuesday at 2:45.

On Tuesday I'm going to ask how many CC's I got put in. Because I'm going to be honest, these boobies seem really... smaller than I expected. I was kinda expecting Pamela Anderson's but got ones that sorta look like my original ones did. They are already more comfortable than my expanders, they feel more natural. I have a feeling they will look very natural as well. I'm really taped down right now so maybe they will look different in a bra. But I was actually disappointed when I saw that my boobs weren't up in my face like most of my friends after their boob jobs. But I have to remember that I had NO breast tissue, so there's no muscle for them to be sitting on top of. It's just skin and implant. And not only skin, but radiated skin, which does not stretch. So I am sure he did put in the largest he could. Oh well, regardless of the size, I know I am going to love them.

For the next 6 weeks I can't lift Bria, which will probably be my biggest challenge. That, and finding supportive sports bras to wear at night and underwire bras to wear during the day (doctor's orders). I haven't had to wear a bra since June! haha 

Thanks to everybody for all the sweet calls/texts/facebook messages. It is great to know I have so much support! I swore I would never get implants, but hey sometimes life throws a curve ball at you, and you just gotta swing at it. 

I saw Dr. West on the 13th and he said my skin looked ready for surgery! Yay! So I'll be getting implants on the 23rd at 1 pm at St. Joseph's. I'm excited. He said they will look and feel a lot better than my expanders, and that recovery should be a lot easier than when I had my bi-lateral mastectomy (I would hope so). When I asked about the medication, he said to do what Dr. Link's office said to do- so I'll stop Tamoxifen about 3 days prior to surgery. I did have to stop taking my daily vitamin though, and I keep making stupid mistakes and I'm SO tired! I wonder if it's related. I fell asleep around 6 pm and didn't wake up until 8:30. Ugh. 

The nurse wrote me 3 prescriptions for my pain meds for after surgery... and she accidentally wrote my name as "Crystal Hoff" and my birthday as 3/13/12. I guess I really was born yesterday after all! haha Hopefully my pharmacy will still fill it. I got my blood work done after my appointment, so I am officially ready to go!  Fingers crossed I don't get any unexpected colds or anything weird to prevent it from happening because I am SO ready to have these expanders out! I've never been so excited or ready for Spring Break.

In sad news, Parker Diaz, another DWBH warrior passed away this week. He was only 12 years old. Please keep the Diaz family in your prayers. And remember- love like it's your job. 

Dr. West hesitated when he approved my surgery to be scheduled during my spring break (last week of March). He wants to see me one more time, approximately 10 days before surgery, so he can make sure the skin under my left breast has healed more than it is now. I have been exfoliating and lotioning like crazy, and it already seems to be improving. He also said to work on my posture, because my being hunched over doesn't help the healing process because air can't access under my breast. That's only been a life long problem, but ya, I'll work on that. 

I got the call from Becky the scheduler on Monday, and she said the doctor will be on vacation the same week I am on Spring break. Great. So we decided to schedule it for Friday, March 23rd so I can have the weekend and week off to recover. It sucks I have to take a Friday off before a holiday break, but it was the best we could do. I also see the doctor on the 13th (10 days prior) for my pre-op appointment at 9 am. According to Dr. West's secretary, I cannot take any medications during the 10 days prior either, including my vitamins and Tamoxifen. But according to Dr. Link's PA, I'll stop taking Tamoxifen during 3 days prior and then I can start it up again as soon as I'm walking around actively. I wish I could get a consistent answer. I figure I'll ask Dr. West at my pre-op what I'm supposed to do.

I graduated from physical therapy last week on 1/26. I am not 100% but I am going to be soon, I can tell. Today I was supposed to go to Orange for an appointment with Dr. Link. In an effort to save some gas money, I asked if our appointment could be over the phone. Good thing they agreed to it, because the conversation was quite short! He called me to go over the results. He said I was a "good girl" because everything came back clear. :-) He also said that this means I'm technically "in remission" until we get that brain MRI, but he is confident I am "cured." 

It's nice to hear those words out loud... "cured"...  because I've always believed I would hear them since I was diagnosed. I always had faith that I was going to be a survivor. However, I know that life will never be the same now. You know the girl who had her arm bit off by a shark? She is always known as just that- the girl who had her arm bit off by a shark. Likewise, I will always be known as "the girl that had cancer."  There is no avoiding it, that's the way it will be. It supersedes anything that I was known as before, and will ever be. But, I should be happy to be "that girl" because I am alive, which is living proof that there is always hope. 

I will be seeing Dr. West  (breast surgeon) on Valentine's Day to see if my skin is ready for implants during spring break (end of March). Fingers crossed! 

Sadly, the world lost another angel to brain cancer yesterday. Liz Lord, a fellow Don't Worry Be Happy family member passed away just days after her 28th birthday.  Life is strange... I'll never understand it.

I got to my appointment at 2:30 on (1/20) Friday afternoon and was immediately given a blanket. Their instructions include staying warm and this is really difficult when it has been so cold the last few days. Then, I was given some sort of radioactive concoction to drink. Next, I was taken in to be injected with more of the radioactive "stuff" and left alone for 50 minutes with nothing to do but stay warm and sip on yet another cup of it. Then I was finally taken into a room where I got to wear a gown and lay with my hands above my head for 25 minutes. It gets easier every time. 

Monday they called and spoke to my husband. They said my results came in and I'm cancer free! (a.k.a. "in remission") The PET CT covers the base of the skull to the mid thigh area, so that brings me a lot of reassurance! I called them to hear it for myself because it's almost like I still can't believe it. They read the results to me, and it said "no abnormal areas" in the head and neck, the bones, the liver, the spleen, kidneys, lungs, etc. It said there was no activity suggestive of cancer and nothing was "metabolically active" (meaning, looking like cancer). 

I feel like I have waited an eternity to finally say I'm cancer free... so I'm going to say it a few more times... cancer free, cancer free, cancer free! Phew! I still don't think it has hit me quite yet... 

I am so thankful for my life. There are no words. 

I had physical therapy on 12/28 and 12/30 and I thought that would be it. But they went ahead and scheduled me for more appointments on 1/4 and 1/6. The twice a week trend came to a screeching halt when I went back to work this week. Jenna has dance on Thursdays now, and I have basketball games to go to on Wednesdays. My therapist doesn't work Tuesdays, which leaves Mondays or Fridays for treatment and those are always the most booked. I went ahead and scheduled another treatment on Thursday, the 19th, but I may not be able to make it in time after Jenna's dance class. We shall see! At least my arm is MUCH better now, so even if I stop physical therapy all together, I am confident that eventually I'll be 100% healed at some point. I stretch my arm when I'm in the shower, and every time I'm thinking about it.  

I got my lymphedema compression sleeves on the 30th. They are what they sound like: basically thick, really tight, skin colored sleeves that go from wrist to armpit. They are really hard to put on because they are so tight. But I was told to wear them when I go to higher elevations to prevent lymphedema (arm swelling). So I went snowboarding the next day, wearing my sleeves. They were so tight that my hands felt like they were losing circulation and then they started getting really swollen. I decided to risk it and take the sleeves off and it was sweet relief. Luckily my hands went right back down to normal and my arms were fine. I talked to my physical therapist about this, and she said "just wear them when flying on a plane but don't stress about wearing them when you snowboard." I was relieved to hear that because they are really NOT fun! 

I finally had my last Herceptin infusion on 1/11/12. This was one year to the day that I was diagnosed with cancer. This has made me realize the incredible value of a year and how short life really is. When I met with the doctor, he said he is confident everything is gone but I need to get a PET-CT and a brain MRI to be sure. I asked why I needed a brain scan and he said because herceptin does not treat the brain so it is a precaution to make sure the cancer didn't travel there. He very casually added, "and if it did, we have a painless treatment for that called Gamma Knife (sterotactic radiosurgery) so don't worry about it." Ok I guess having my head put in a vice with direct radiation to it wouldn't be so bad, right? I'll try not to think about it. Meanwhile I was stoked to hear I can probably schedule my scans next week, as soon as I got approval from my insurance.

Well, my excitement was short lived. I got a call from Donna while I was at work on Thursday. She left me a message asking if I had breast expanders in still. Um, really? YES! Thanks for forgetting! And she said that if I DO, that I can't schedule my scan until they are out. I was fuming mad and heartbroken because I want nothing more than to be able to have all of my scans behind me so I can finally declare myself cancer free! I called her back and when I finally got a hold of her, she said that I can still schedule my PET-CT, but not my brain MRI until after my surgery. She said meanwhile, if I have any symptoms like headaches and dizziness to let them know right away. Great. Now every time I have a headache I'll get paranoid and think the worst. It's going to be a long few months before that scan... but I'm trying to stay positive and patient and always grateful for the blessings in my life.