I am anxious to start work and radiation tomorrow. Even though radiation is only supposed to last about 15 minutes a day, it is something that I really just don't want to do and it feels like a huge inconvenience. What can I do or think about while I'm laying there? I could listen to music, I guess. But, I think I'm going to take the time to pray. I really need to because I am really stressed and just all around bummed out about it. I don't know how I'm going to juggle being an effective mom, teacher, and coach, AND receive daily radiation treatments and regular Herceptin treatments. I worked Monday and Tuesday with no students on campus yet, and literally came home and just fell into bed. I am already tired. I think I may also be depressed. I just really, really, hate my reflection in the mirror right now. I'm sick of my sore, awkwardly shaped boobs, my extra weight, my numb left big toe, my awful short hair, my sad short eyelashes, and having to continually cover up my hideous finger nails. I just want life to be back to normal so badly. I want to wake up from this seemingly never ending nightmare. I want to be the same driven, energetic person I always have been. Instead I feel lost and forgetful and just so not... me. I've literally become unrecognizable to myself, in more ways than one.
I just have to tell myself I am "too blessed to be stressed." There are plenty of positives, it's just getting harder to focus on them. For example, I got my neck hair shaved so I don't look like a wildebeest, AND I am getting zits and my period again- so there's that! All joking aside, I know I have it good because I am determined to work through it all. I know if I took more sick time, I would just feel defeated. I am not going to let something like microwave beams get the best of me. So I sure hope this funk I'm in ends soon. Because I don't have time for this sad business!