My chest has been hurting really bad this week. I am sure everybody is going to tell me it's because I'm doing too much. But I don't care. It's been wonderful to be busy and have my mind on anything but cancer. Cancer doesn't deserve to occupy my mind all day, yet every day I'm reminded of it.
People frequently like to tell me that the reason so many people have cancer now is because of how we eat. It's upsetting to me because that's like a slap in my face. Every day I observe the poor quality of life around me. I see a line at any given drive through all hours of the day, or a line into the donut shop every Saturday morning, or a driver next to me snacking on Oreo cakesters or flaming hot cheetos, or people drinking alcohol or smoking... yet I am the one with cancer. I have always been conscientious about what I put into my body. So it's frustrating when Jenna asks "mom, how did you get cancer?" because I have to tell her "I don't know."
I'm going to admit: I am still not sure how I feel about the pink ribbon. Most days I wear one (either as a bracelet or pin, etc) with pride. Other days I wish I could instead wear a "mom" ribbon, or a "wife" ribbon, or a "teacher" ribbon because I don't want to be defined by a disease but rather by the accomplishments in my life. I'm sure I'll feel differently once I can officially put "survivor" on my accomplishments list. But right now I'm still in the midst of the battle. No matter how optimistic I am about my survival, the fact remains that today I have cancer. It truly is difficult to see the forest through the trees... you have no idea.
A fellow DWBH shirts family member, Scott Gohl, lost his courageous fight to brain cancer last night. He was a husband, and a father, and it breaks my heart. I am writing this in tears. My prayers are with his family. God, I f-ing HATE cancer!