The other morning, both of my daughters woke up really early. It was about 4:00 and Jenna came into my room crying because she had a bad dream. Then, Bria woke up and was crying "mommy, mommy, mommy" over and over and I could NOT console her. Then, Jenna starts crying more because I can't hold her and Bria at the same time. When it's that early in the morning, I am disoriented and tired (aren't we all) and I just lost it and started crying too. I started letting my mind wander to thoughts like "if this cancer were to take my life, would Bria even remember me? She's so young..." So there we were, in my bed, all three of us in tears when Jenna finally asks "mommy, why are YOU crying?" This sobered me up fast, and I said "that's a good question, I guess I'm just tired." I guess the reason I brought this up is because I know people are looking up to me for being so strong and so optimistic. But just know, we all have our moments of weakness. If I feel one coming on, I just take a shower and let the tears flow with the water, so I can come out and feel renewed. That way, my kids don't have to see me in that moment, and I can smile the rest of the day- as I should. I have a lot to smile about lately! My daughter told me I looked like a "handsome man" when I don't wear my wig, lol!
My hair started growing in a little, and it got me worried. I called the oncology nurse and she said that it will do that. I feel aches and pains in my breast and armpit, and we are attributing those to the fact that everything is shrinking and my body is healing from that. I even said to her "my nails are growing and I feel ok... is the chemo even working?" She laughed and said I am just young and healthy and I should be happy my body (and mind) are handling it all so well. Don't worry, be happy. It's really that easy.
Having cancer is certainly not all roses and sunshine, but this week I actually have had an abundance of both. So why cry? I am choosing to focus on healing. What are you choosing to do with your thoughts?