I know that having sweaty pits is socially acceptable in the gym, but at Costco? Not so much. Since my hot flashes and foul smell already make me a menace to society, I have been going bald more and more frequently lately. At least that usually keeps people a safe distance from me so they don't have to catch a whiff. 3 showers a day and I still stink. I am slowly becoming more and more able to get my arms up. And my scars are healing, so I'm sure deodorant will be more effectively implemented soon (just not soon enough).
I feel lost. Like I'm stuck between wellville and sickville. I realize I keep mentioning this, and I was happy to recently read that this is a common feeling for breast cancer survivors. I am lost between the two worlds Dr. Susan Love describes as "the world of the 'temporarily immortal' versus the 'world of defectives.'" I am so thankful that I am on my way out, and I know I need to be patient about it. Meanwhile, I can't help feeling like I don't know where I belong. "Cancer stages, tumor grades, HER-2/neu negative or positive, estrogen receptor negative or positive, and lymph nodes" used to be vocabulary that I wasn't at all familiar with, and now I feel like it's the only language I speak.
Dr. West's office called today. They said that I had a total of 17 lymph nodes removed. 16 from the left and 1 from the right. I guess that explains why my left arm won't move much, but my right arm is doing so well. There were two nodes that, when looked at under a microscope, had "isolated tumor cell clusters" in them. This means that these nodes were probably the ones that previously had cancer in them and that the chemo had made it almost disappear. However, this just proves to me that not all cancer can be found via ultrasound or PET/CT scan. I'm just trying to focus on how thankful I am that they are out of my body. They also said that the total mass removed was 3 cm, which is much smaller than the previous 7 cm mass estimate prior to chemo. So like they said, not a perfect outcome, but a good one.
I am so blessed and thankful for the friends and family that I have supporting me. Already this week I've had tons of food delivered by my dad, been taken out for family fun by my brother, had a friend from out of town come in and cook and clean for me, and I received a very generous check from a friend that could not have come at a better time. I am so grateful. Thank you! Love to you all.
I am anxious for my expansion at the end of the week because now that the swelling has gone down, this right breast is dilapidated, ugly, and sad and I feel sorry for anybody who catches a glimpse! :/