My appointment with Dr. Link was today. I wasn't prepared for what he told me. He did a physical exam first, and pressed hard on my left armpit which made me wince. He said I need to do more exercises on that side before it heals incorrectly. Great. Then he said that standard of care for my original size tumors, plus the fact that there was "extensive lymph-vascular invasion present" in my skin that was biopsied, I will definitely be needing radiation. This is no longer an "option", it is now a requirement. That being said, with my current Taxotere, Carboplatin, and Herceptin chemo cocktail, plus a bi-lateral mastectomy, plus 17 lymph nodes removed, plus 33 radiation treatments, and continued Herceptin treatments, I will be at approximately a "90-95% cure rate." This is actually the good news. Go ahead and celebrate that now, because I'm about to tell you the bad news.
Caris results came in. The results showed that Herceptin is the main type of medicine that helps me in my case. This is good because this is what I'm already getting. However, the report also showed that Adriamycin and Cytoxan may also be beneficial to someone like me. Adriamycin is the red chemo that people have referred to as "red death" because of it's high risk of causing heart problems and small risk of causing leukemia. If I were to decide to take this chemo, in addition to the Herceptin I'm already getting I would have to start that now- and get 4 rounds of it before I even did radiation, or got implants, or finished Herceptin. 4 more rounds of hair-losing, sick feeling, intravenous administered chemo? Really? This was NOT what I was expecting to hear. I thought maybe a pill, not more infusions. I asked if the benefit outweighed the risk, and the answer I got was it would give me about a 2-3% higher cure rate. He said to sleep on it and call him Thursday with my decision. I asked if I were his daughter, what would he have me do? He couldn't give me an answer because he says he doesn't like Adriamycin, so he is "on the fence" about it. He also didn't like the idea of radiation, especially on the left side, so that comment didn't make me feel any better.
When the doctor left I stayed back with the PA so she could check out my sore throat. She said to call if it got worse and she'd call in an antibiotic. I was about to leave, but then I started to cry. I have been having anxiety lately, and have not been sleeping well, so I think it all just hit me at once. I thought my days of tough decision making were over! I told her I feel like no matter what I decide to do, that it is inevitable, at my age, that my cancer will return some day. She said she doesn't agree, and that it may not return. And she wants me to make my decision as if I were a new patient, not one that has already been put through the ringer. I told her I don't want to over treat my cancer, just to end up giving myself something worse. I have felt like complete crap since January and honestly, before anybody told me I had cancer, I felt like a million bucks. I had just finished my master's, I had completed my family, I was on top of the world. I have spent the last 7 months fighting a disease that frankly I never knew I had. At this point, the cure feels worse than the disease.
Picture this: You're 29 and have already lost your hair, your breasts, your slim figure, your self esteem, your ability to care for your family, and your confidence in living a long, healthy life to cancer. So what would you do? Since my radiation is on my left side, my heart is already going to be at risk. Plus, I've already had 3 types of chemo. Do I add 2 more types of harsh chemo, go through all of that sickness again for 4 months, and risk getting heart failure or leukemia, just to add 2-3% to my already 90-95% cure rate? Remember, I had like a .01% chance of getting this in the first place, so 2% is actually pretty big for someone like me.
I don't know what I'm going to do, but I do know this: We cannot choose how we die, we can only choose how we live. So make the choice to be happy today, because you never know what tomorrow will bring.